Fifteen devices, and what do you get? Another remote for the pile, and deeper it gets. We, as a nation, are suffocating under a glut of invasive remote-control species. Introduced by humans as a means of remotely controlling electronic devices, these opportunistic squatters multiply at an alarming rate, their plastic bodies littering every surface in the typical American home. Technobiologists from the National Institutes of Panic (NIP) guesstimate that we, as a nation, lose 19 acres of valuable tabletop space to these destructive interlopers every day. Left unchecked, this overproliferation could potentially disrupt commerce, agriculture, and the new season of The Sopranos.

The danger is grave. But we, as a nation, still have time to change our profligate remote-control ways. The Universal Mosaic Touchscreen Remote Control may be programmed to control up to 15 different devices, with up to 72 different keys per device displayed on a backlit touchscreen LCD. It’s compatible with practically any device that uses an infrared remote control, from DVD players and satellite systems to tuners, CD players, and other audio components. Thanks to the Universal Mosaic’s learning capability, we, as a nation, can import functions from our existing remotes, including up to 21 user-programmable macro keys with up to 32 user-defined keystrokes each.

We, as a nation, must understand: the road out of our damaging national addiction to remote controls runs through the Universal Mosaic Touchscreen Remote. If we, as a nation, simply lay down the Universal Mosaic law in our own homes, we can stem the plastic tide that threatens to overwhelm our once-comfortable living rooms.

And yes, we know it’s lame to rhyme “get” with “gets.”

Back to top