BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP This is the Emergency Broadcast System. A train has derailed near the intersection of Highway 74 and River Bottom Road, possibly while transporting biohazardous material. Please avoid the area and wait for further instructions.

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP This is the Emergency Broadcast System. At least one chemical car has ruptured in the derailment near Highway 74 and River Bottom Road. Authorities are asking citizens to evacuate the city of Oatboro and the rest of eastern Grange County. Further instructions can be heard on this emergency band.

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP This is the Emergency Broadcast System. Authorities are asking for the public’s help in finding the crew members from the train that derailed near Highway 74 and River Bottom Road. When trained biohazard technicians arrived on the scene, they found no one there, dead or alive. The crew members may be disoriented and in danger from the effects of the chemical spill.

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP This is the Emergency Broadcast System. The electrical plant in northern Oatboro, at the intersection of Highway 74 and River Bottom Road, has shut down for reasons unknown. Before they stopped operating, closed-circuit cameras near the plant captured unclear images of a large mass of humans or human-like creatures attempting to scale the fence around the plant. It is believed that the plant has been the target of some sort of attack by persons unknown. Authorities advise all citizens to remain indoors and listen to their hand-cranked Vector alert radios for further instructions.

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP This is the Emergency Broadcast System. The authorities have received several credible reports of dead bodies in the immediate vicinity of Oatboro. Each appeared to have been recently killed, and each skull had been split open and the brains inside somehow removed. Authorities suspect cult members or terrorists and advise all citizens to remain indoors.

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP This is the Emergency Broadcast System! They’re outside the booth! They’re pounding on the door! My God, the moaning – can you hear that moaning? now – now they – (CRASH!) AAAGGGHH! They’ve broken the window! Help! Help! Oh God, oh God, they’re – they’re – hey, wait a minute -

BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP This is the Emergency Broadcast System. Um, never mind. Never mind about all of it. Everything I’ve said tonight. There was no train, no biohazard, no plant shutdown. And no empty skulls, unless you count those of my co-workers whose idea of fun is to get an entire city evacuated just for laughs. Good one, guys.

Back to top