My name is Vivitar, and I’d like to apologize to everyone I hurt when I was pushing junk. There’s no excuse for the way I’ve behaved. With each new piece of photographic garbage I peddled, with every broken camera I shipped, I knew that someone out there would get hurt. I lied, I cheated, I acted like an animal with no conscience or morals. But all I cared about was getting high, chasing the unbeatable rush I felt from each new hit of cash. It was only when I woke up in a toilet stall at an after-hours camera club, leaking blood from an unexplained head wound and surrounded by printouts of dozens of one-star customer reviews, that I realized I had to turn my life around.

I’ve reached the point where I have to make amends to those I’ve wronged, which brings me to the Vivitar 8600 8MP Digital Camera w/6x Optical Zoom. I’m introducing this camera to the United States for the first time today, to show you that I’m for real about making up for all the times I hurt you. If the 6x Optical Zoom and the 2.8” LCD don’t prove that I’m sincere, hopefully the 8MP resolution will. The Vivitar 8600 takes VGA mpeg4 audio/video clips at 30 frames per second – working the 15-fps con is no way to live.

I’m no saint. I still get tempted. I still remember the easy euphoria of ill-gotten gains, the thrill I got every time I passed off a chintzy plastic doodad as a “budget-priced, feature-rich beginner’s camera”. Once you get hooked on junk, they say, you’re never really free. But with your support (and your $294.99 postpaid), I know I can stay strong. Oh, and while I’ve got you here: anybody know a good literary agent?

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