How about Woot selling a two-pack of toasters? Yes, as part of our ongoing effort to make sure nobody ever calls us marketing geniuses ever again, we're offering these Westinghouse SlicerToasters in twin bundles. The rational consumer will look at this deal and ask "Why two?" We, on the other hand, ask "Why not?"

You can take issue with our eccentricity, but whatever you do, don't hold it against this fine, upstanding example of American toasterhood. Just pop your morning bagel into the hatch and the electric knife divides it into two even halves, accurate to within 20 microns thanks to technology originally developed for the production of NASA spacecraft. Ok, we're lying about that. But it will slice your bagel into two roughly similar pieces, and then scorch the surfaces of each piece.

The way we see it, this is perfect for consumers who want a toaster that specializes in slicing bagels, who also know someone else who would like a bagel toaster, and who like that person well enough to give them a lavish gift like this. That covers at least .01% of the population. At last, the needs of this neglected segment of the American market will be met!

Maybe you live in a large household full of bagel junkies, and the morning traffic jam around the bagel toaster keeps making you late for work. Two more bagel toasters oughtta clear that up! Hello, corner office! Maybe you were left in the lurch by a bagel-toaster breakdown one morning, and you've vowed to never go hungry again. Stock up on backup toasters today! As the Boy Scouts say, "Be prepared in the event of a catastrophic bagel toaster collapse!"

We've expended enough of our precious exclamation points on this ToasterSlicer two-fer. Let's break it down to the essence. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who buy this two-pack of Westinghouse ToasterSlicers, and people who mutilate innocent, defenseless kittens. Which kind are you?

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