Taste. Elegance. Class. You hear these words from wine people a lot, and there’s a reason they’re almost never deployed in the same paragraph as Elvis Presley’s name. The King of Rock & Roll was no patrician monarch; he was a hunka, hunka burnin’ id, reigning over a kingdom of unrestrained adolescent lust and abandoned youthful enthusiasm. In Elvis’s realm, when something came on TV that displeased his majesty — like, say, Robert Goulet — his majesty turned off the set with one shot from his trusty pistol, blammo.

Now, we’re not suggesting you trade your universal remote for a Saturday Night Special. But there comes a time when everyone could stand to shake it up, rattle his cage, let it roll a little bit. Time for a little less conversation and a little more action. That time? It’s now, or never. And we’ve got just the booze to facilitate it: three award-winning styles of wine from Graceland Cellars. One quaff of this stuff and you can’t help falling in love.

Did your honey drink your liquor from an old fruit jar? Reach for a bottle of Blue Suede Chardonnay, a well-rounded, balanced wine with citrus, pear and floral aromas. It will pair perfectly with fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches and amphetamines.*

As you move into the difficult middle period of your career, lock yourself up with some Jailhouse Red Merlot, a lush, ripe and juicy libation with blackberry and currant flavors as intense as a prison riot. It’s a mess of rhythm & booze! Drink carefully: excessive consumption of Jailhouse Red can impair your ability to turn down clearly inappropriate movie roles.

All hail to The King Cabernet Sauvignon, as bright and rich as his majesty’s sequins! It takes care of business in a flash of berries and fresh herbs, and its tannins are as soft and supple as a couple of girls wrasslin’ in their white cotton skivvies. Yes, it’s traditionally crafted, with all the refinement and sophistication that implies. But don’t worry: it’s also every bit as sensational as a 250-pound man doing Kung-Fu in a sequined jumpsuit.

Several vintages of the above styles are available, for a total of nine distinct bottles. They come in four-packs, so be aware of the possible combinations: wooters who buy one four-pack will get four different selections with no doubles. However, if you buy two four-packs (eight bottles), you’ll probably get repeats. And — obviously — if you buy three four-packs (twelve bottles), you’re guaranteed to get repeats.

Be warned: When you plunk one of these wines down on the table, with Elvis’s sneering mug on the label, it’s hard to predict how your hifalutin wine-and-brie crowd will react. The men may harumph; the women might swoon. Don’t get defensive just because they’re all shook up — answer them like the Big E might’ve: “Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never swallowed that man’s booze.”

And thanks for ordering — thankyouverymuch.

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