Completely Unfair Comparisons: Back for the bacon!

by Sean Adams
You guys, I never meant to take a 3 week break from Completely Unfair Comparisons. However, then the Contest of Countries started, and there was back-to-school advice to be given, and I lost track of things. But I’m past all that now! And I’m back just in time for this Bacon Woot-Off! That’s why, this week, we’re focusing on the two quintessential breakfast meats. That’s right: it’s bacon vs. sausage!

1. Bacon vs. Sausage in terms of Feeling Love

One sausage patty or sausage link is enough for a sandwich. Doubling-up would be nutritionally irresponsible and logistically difficult to eat. That’s why, as Three Dog Night so eloquently put it, “Sausage is the loneliest meat.” Bacon is a different story altogether. A quality bacon-egg-and-cheese sandwich requires not one but two strips of bacon arranged in an “x” formation. This crisscrossing allows for maximum egg-area covered, and thus the widest distribution of the bacon flavor. Long story short: bacon, like love, requires that there be two.

Advantage:

 


Bacon
 

2. Bacon vs. Sausage in terms of Stress Relief

Feeling stressed? So stressed you just need to SQUEEZE something? Well, don’t reach for bacon. Uncooked, it’s thin and floppy. Cooked, it’s sharp and splintery. In short, bacon is not optimized for the release of tension. No, you want something you can really sink your fingers into, something that you can squeeze so hard that it comes out through your knuckles, something like ground sausage.


Advantage:


Sausage
 
3. Bacon vs. Sausage in terms of Learning to Live in an Unfair World

When placed into a difficult situation (a hot pan), bacon shrinks. When removed from a safe environment (its link casing), sausage crumbles. Neither will serve as a good role model as you embark on the bumpy journey known as life. No, you’re going to have to go this one alone, without a breakfast meat to turn to.

Advantage:

It's a toss up

Now, it’s your turn! No, not for a rebuttal. I want you guys to do your own comparison:

Bacon vs. Sausage in terms of Achieving your Dreams

Post your response in the comments below, and my favorite will get published right here, next week. Luvyaz!

 

Photos: "Bacon" by flickr user, cookbookman17; "sausage making patties" by flickr user, Rachel Tayse; "Uncertainty" by flickr user, nicubunu.photo. All used under a Creative Commons License.