Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
NEW YORK, Feb. 7 (UPI) -- Nickelodeon says "Peter Rabbit," its animated pre-school series based on Beatrix Potter's classic books, will debut on U.S. television Feb. 19.
Producers are excited, but the writing team secretly worries they'll have a hard time getting their jokes past Censor McGregor!
ZIRNDORF, Germany (UPI) -- German toymaker Playmobil is drawing criticism for marketing a Bank and Safe play set that includes a gun-toting robber.
Meanwhile, the Stockbroker and Mortgage Banker playset that comes with a bankrupt widow has won yet another award.
NASHVILLE (UPI) -- A U.S. scientist says there is evidence of at least one mammal -- the common mole -- that can smell in stereo in order to find its prey.
Of course, mole hipsters maintain that you haven't smelled anything until you've smelled it in the original mono.
LOVELAND, Colo. (UPI) -- A Colorado mother said her 7-year-old son should not have been suspended from school for throwing an imaginary grenade into a box of pretend evil.
Lawyers say the suspension might still be overturned, since the boy pretended to apply for a license seven days before the event.
VANCOUVER, British Columbia (UPI) -- Canadian computer scientists say a computer can reconstruct lost languages by analyzing the sounds uttered by those who speak their modern successors.
A spokesperson added, "And even if they're wrong, who's really gonna know?"
VATICAN CITY (UPI) -- Pope Benedict XVI's papal ring will be destroyed after he steps down at the end of the month, a Vatican spokesman said Tuesday.
Traditionally this is done to prevent Parallax from infecting the following Pope, which is currently expected to be young Cardinal Kyle Rayner.