Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.
DETROIT (UPI) -- Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has announced the opening of police mini-stations in an effort to bring down the city's staggering homicide rate.
The mini-stations will not only allow for a better police presence in dangerous areas, they will provide much-needed camouflage for visiting Gallifreyans.
WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The U.S. House of Representatives has approved legislation that would remove the word "lunatic" from U.S. laws with one dissent.
Insiders say the lone dissent came from the Representative to Long Island, who promised to vote against any law that might potentially change the lyrics of Billy Joel's classic You May Be Right.
MEDELLIN, Colombia (UPI) -- A Colombian couple who moved into a sewer with their dog said they are living life "better than the president."
The president of Colombia has no dog.
WILLISTON PARK, N.Y. (UPI) -- Police in New York state said a man shot his girlfriend during a fight about whether a zombie outbreak as seen on AMC's "The Walking Dead" could actually occur.
Sources say if it DOES occur, that guy's gonna be all "Ha! Told you! Who's right now, baby? Who's right now?" as his zombie girlfriend tries to break into the house and devour him.
STOCKTON, Calif. (UPI) -- Three women said they were insulted when they were given a receipt with the words "Fat Girls" printed at the top after dining at a Stockton, Calif., restaurant.
Music insiders say the saddest part is that a little-known '80s rap group is probably still sitting at that table, waiting for their bill.