From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Annual Review

by Sam Kemmis


Annual employee performance reviews will take place throughout the end of the month. Every year, employee performance is rated from 1 to 4 on AN ARBITRARILY CHOSEN CRITERION. This year's surprise criterion is… {Drumroll}…: VICTORIAN-ERA FEATS OF PHYSICAL STRENGTH.

Each employee will compete against Scottish strongman Donald Dinnie in several FEATS OF STRENGTH to determine your value to this company. For each feat in which you best either champion, you shall receive one point on your review. The feats are:

  • MAN-LIFTING. Whoever can lift the most men standing on a platform on his/her back wins.
  • FREIGHT-CAR PUSHING. A railroad freight car shall be placed at a slight incline. Whoever pushes the multi-ton beheamoth the furthest wins.
  • BENDING OF STEEL. Whichever competitor bends the most spans of re-bar simultaneously wins.
  • CABER TOSS. Throw a log.

Your year-end bonus depends on your performance, so TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY. Last year's "Sculpt in the style of the Grecian Masters" performance review netted a total employee bonus yield of: $0, as nobody was able to sculpt as well or better than even the worst Grecian Master. It was a shameful display, folks.

The feats of strength will take over the break room. So no breaks until Q1 2013.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager