HR has updated the employee handbook for 2013. Notable changes include elimination of the profligate 401k matching program, heavier "handbook-stock" paper, and updates to the dress code. Since none of you will read anything that isn't SHOVED DOWN YOUR CRAW, here are the main points:
- Female employees will now be expected to wear petticoats, full calico skirts and prairie headwear. Acceptable headwear include: poke bonnets and (in the out-of-doors) sun bonnets. ANY FEMALE EMPLOYEE SEEN WITHOUT APPROPRIATE FRONTIER HEADWEAR WILL IMMEDIATELY BE LOOKED ASKANCE AT.
- Male employees, on the other hand, should appear as boyish, dewy-eyed male models from Italian designer photo spreads. This is a place of work, fellas, and if you don't show up with gaunt cheeks, little to no body hair, and an expression of waifish uncertainty, go ahead and clean out your desks.
- Appearing as a rugged, hirsute male model from an American designer's photoshoot or even a square-jawed model from an Italian designer photoshoot is IN DIRECT BREACH OF THE EMPLOYEE DRESS CODE. This isn't rocket science, folks, it's basic professionalism.
I look forward to seeing you all next week. Very much.
- Bye -
Katherine Tull-Potts, BA