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From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Gluttony Payroll Deduction

by Sam Kemmis


The holidays are approaching, as is the deadly sin Gluttony.

This company cares about your health. And by "care" I mean "has a financial stake caused by the relationship between health insurance premiums and employee wellness." Last year, the deleterious effects of Thanksgiving dinner on employee health cost the company $240,534.

To address this problem, we are instituting a "Gluttony Payroll Deduction" system, in which wages will be garnished in proportion to overeating. To facilitate this process, I am attaching an Excel spreadsheet that MUST BE FILLED OUT EXHAUSTIVELY BY EVERY EMPLOYEE ON THANKSGIVING DAY. Don't take shortcuts, people -- mark every serving of every food while you eat it, to maximize guilt.

Here is an example, completed spreadsheet:

And another:

Email those spreadsheets to me by EOD Thurs.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager