From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Psychologically Crippling Spam

by Sam Kemmis

Everybody,

The office network has recently been bombarded with SPAM E-MAILS. These aren't your run-of-the-mill SPAM E-MAILS, folks -- they employ a sophisticated algorithm to prey on individual employees' greatest emotional weaknesses, crafting a hellish pseudo-reality of no escape.

For instance, Dan Margranson received an email from his father, Dan Sr., claiming that he was sorry he never said "I love you," and that he wanted to make up for his emotional detachment by wiring money directly into his son's checking account. SCAM.

In another SPAM E-MAIL, Arianna in sales received an email from "The Child You Never Had," insisting that it was not too late, whatever her doctors might say.  All Arianna had to do to avoid dying alone was invest in a sure-fire Costa Rican real estate venture.

People: This algorithm will GET INSIDE YOUR HEAD, extract your greatest fears and most carnal desire, and use them for ill. To avoid any problems, follow these steps:

  • Take a series of deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth.
  • Think of a time you felt most vulnerable. Was it the moment your parents told you they were splitting up? The loss of a childhood pet? Something far, far, worse that has been relegated to the dark corners of your mind?
  • Focus on that time. Seize it, and face into the crippling powerlessness it evokes.
  • Write down any words that come into your mind during this time. Anything at all. Don't self-edit.
  • Open Outlook's spam settings, and paste these words into the filter list.

Don't forget to send me a copy of this list. For my records.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager