From The Desk Of The Office Manager: Scheduled Psychotic Break

by Sam Kemmis


The building people will be coming in on Thursday, December 6th to do some routine maintenance. They will temporarily disconnect the office from reality sometime between 8am and 6pm, at which time all employees will experience an acute PSYCHOTIC BREAK.

Don't let the word "break" fool you, folks, THIS PSYCHOTIC EPISODE IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO STOP WORKING. You will experience a sickening loss of contact with the world as you currently understand it, but you're still expected to complete your deliverables on time -- NO EXCEPTIONS.

For many of our veteran employees, this won't be your first psychotic rodeo. However, if you have never felt as though the entire system by which you perceive and interact with the world has suddenly vanished, leaving a yawning vacuum of screaming nonsense, here are some HELPFUL tips (ahem, you're welcome):

  • Nothing you think or care about now will matter during your brush with madness. All will be void. This is perfectly normal.
  • Just because meaning and causation have lost all meaning for YOU does not mean you can use your office phone for sobbing personal calls to your mother. 
  • Make sure you evacuate your bowels and bladder regularly throughout the day in case the maintenance folks suddenly disconnect reality. You don't want to awake from your psychotic episode with a big mess to clean up.
  • Nothing will be the same after. You must rebuild your meaning system piecemeal. BUT ON YOUR OWN TIME.

If you have any questions, please direct them into the emptiness of space, for you will find as suitable an "answer" there as anywhere.

- Bye -

Katherine Tull-Potts, BA
Office Manager