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Guide To Surviving The Blood Moon

by Scott Lydon

If you've been paying any attention to any form of media anywhere, you know that tonight's lunar eclipse is a gasp BLOOD MOON. It'll be total around midnight central (just like us!) so we feel a certain sense of kinship. That's why we've joined nearly every media outlet in the free world and compiled a little guide to help you view the Blood Moon responsibly.


How To Best View The Blood Moon

Much like a werewolf or Ronnie James Dio, a Blood Moon has magical powers. You'll find it hanging in the sky, far above your head. Leave it there! Don't try to touch it! If you make contact with a Blood Moon your heart will become the plaything of a sorcerer. Best to observe from a safe distance.

Protecting Your Valuables From The Blood Moon

Moonlight cannot be stopped by glass or wood. A Blood Moon that wants to gain entry to your house can do so almost at will. Even hiding valuables under the sofa or in a closet won't help, because that's the first place the Blood Moon will look. So be smart! Distract the Blood Moon with something exciting, like a land grab in Nevada, or perhaps by reciting spoilers for Game Of Thrones in a loud voice. The Blood Moon will be more inclined to seek an easier target, and possibly spare your home and possessions in full.


Potential Blood Moon-Related Incidents You May Observe

Blood Moons are a time when the walls between Neverywhen and Howsitwaz break down. Werewolf cubs may fall randomly from the mirror in your bathroom, and small bats may lodge themselves in the hollow spaces of those soup bowls made from sourdough bread. Turn all mirrors to face the wall and make sure to finsh your soup before sundown. Leave no leftovers! Not even for breadcrumbs later in the week!

What To Do If The Blood Moon Sees You

Don't panic. Blood Moons are very shy and easily scared away. When noticed by a Blood Moon, immediately try to make yourself appear bigger by lifting your arms and spreading them wide in the shape of a rival moon. Making moon noises like CHUFF CHUFF CHO or MAH-HOOOOOOON-OH MAH-HOOOOOOON-OH can be another way to show dominance. If possible, cover yourself with musk from a larger moon, like Ganymede or Titan. The scent of a larger moon will often cause a Blood Moon to flee.

Don't Take It Personally

Remember: the Blood Moon is not here for you. The Blood Moon is migratory and is only hoping to continue on its way to Australia. If a Blood Moon enters your home or reflecting pool it has done so by mistake, and it probably trying to leave again. Do not get between it and the horizon and you will likely not be considered a threat. Best of luck!

Images via Wikipedia.