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Letterman Only Got To First Base: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Hip-hop star Jay Z says he will kick off the North American leg of his "Magna Carter World Tour" Nov. 30 in St. Paul, Minn.

Promoters expect the tour to stall near Runnymede, when Jay Z is kidnapped by a small group of rappers demanding a document that ensures them a larger voice in his recording process.



LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Sharon Osbourne revealed on "The Talk" in Los Angeles she had a brief romance with comedian Jay Leno before getting serious with her rocker husband Ozzy.

Insiders say she originally was dating Conan O'Brien, but then Leno started showing up an hour before and one thing led to another and...

RAMAT GAN, Israel (UPI) -- A self-proclaimed sorcerer in Israel was arrested after allegedly manipulating a woman into having sex with him as a series of magical treatments, police said.

Police are said to be very surprised, as Charisma is usually a dump stat.



JERUSALEM (UPI) -- Archaeologists say excavations at the foot of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem have yielded a treasure hoard in the form of coins, jewelry and a medallion.

Sources say the front of the medallion calls for a staff to be six kadams high, while the back of the medallion subtracts one kadam in honor of the Hebrew God.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- British actor Ian McKellen announced on Facebook he officiated the wedding of his longtime friend Patrick Stewart and girlfriend Sunny Ozell.

Attendees noted that it was the only wedding they'd ever seen with five clear acts and a curtain call.

The Wire will be on vacation for a bit. Watch for us to return soon!