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Proposal To Close The Army Bases And Use The Money For Taco Bell: Woot Weads The Wire

by Scott Lydon


Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- President Barack Obama is open to reversing himself and deciding to arm vetted Syrian rebel fighters, senior administration officials told The New York Times.

Any rebel fighter who can prove they own a Corvette will be given one free weapon courtesy of the President.




DENVER (UPI) -- The entire Senate chamber in the Colorado Capitol smelled strongly of marijuana Wednesday, lawmakers said.

However the motion to build a statue to honor Dave Chappelle was passed unanimously.

HOLLYWOOD (UPI) -- U.S. actor Joaquin Phoenix said he simulates the act of drowning for a PETA ad to show the "slow, painful" death for fish when they're pulled from the water.

The ad is expected to be critically acclaimed but, ultimately, overshadowed by Daniel Day Lewis's ad for the new McFish Bites, in which he essentially becomes Mayor McCheese.

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. UPI) -- Officials with the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Library Foundation in Illinois said they have no plans to conduct DNA tests on a stovepipe hat.

Lawyers say this travesty is practically an admission that the police know they have the wrong hat in custody, and they are not yet giving up the fight.



LAKELAND, Fla. (UPI) -- Trading card company Topps unveiled the world's largest baseball card, measuring 60 feet by 90 feet, in a Florida city.

Thirteen people died trying to soften the included stick of bubble gum.

HELSINKI, Finland (UPI) -- File-sharing site The Pirate Bay says it will sue a Finnish anti-piracy site for pirating the design of its website.

Lawyers for The Pirate Bay say they are already looking forward to sending a firm message by losing the case as quickly as possible.

Corvette from racin jason and portions of Hat Chart from pasukaru76 are used under a Creative Commons License.