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Sean University: A Column on Columns

by Sean Adams

Which businesses can you trust the most? The businesses that have been around the longest! And what do the businesses that have been around the longest have? Columns! Think about it! Those old businesses in Greece and Roman everyone’s still hot for? They got columns all over the place!

That’s why, when you’re launching your business, you should consider throwing some columns on that thing. Then people will see it and think, “Jeez, when did that place start up? Ancient times? And they’re still in business? Wow! I should throw some money at them!” Except they wouldn’t actually throw the money because that might knock down one of the columns, and nobody wants to be that guy who knocks down the columns!

So, pretty simple, right? Just toss some columns around and call it a day? NO WAY! You need to be STRATEGIC about it! Luckily, we here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership know a little bit about the tasteful placement of columns. In fact, three of the four legs on the chair that I am sitting in right now? Mini columns! The fourth one is a really expensive golf club. Jealous?

Anyway, here are a few simple rules to consider when putting columns on your business:

1. Make sure the column is between a floor and a ceiling. If your column isn’t touching either the floor or ceiling, consider raising the floor or lowering the ceiling. If your column is touching neither the floor nor the ceiling, consider calling an exorcist because that column is haunted.

2. Don’t put columns in the restroom, because then people will be think, “Ew! Those columns have witnessed some nasty stuff go down,” and that could have a negative impact on their idea of columns as a whole.

3. If one column falls over, that’s okay. In fact, it might make your business look even older. On the other hand, if all your columns fall over, that’s trouble. Especially if your roof is still intact, because then your customers will be like, what were those columns even doing anyway? And you never want your customers to be suspicious of your columns.

4. Don’t order a bunch of tall pedestals and claim they’re columns. That’s like wearing a belt around your neck because you’re out of clean ties. Most people won’t notice the difference, but all it takes is one “expert” pointing it out in front of everyone to embarrass you!

5. For columns that people can see close up and touch, use real-deal ceramic columns. For columns that are off in the distance, save some money and buy the cheap inflatable kind!

These are our rules for columns! Have any to add? Go ahead and post them in the comments!