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Ridiculously Specific Horoscopes for the week of January 14, 2013

by Jason Toon

The wheel in the sky keeps on turning, and Steve Perry don't know where he'll be tomorrow. But you do, thanks to our resident all-orang seeicle Jason Toon, the star whisperer. Lean closer, now, and hark to your future…

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): You will lose a premier parking space to the Finance Minister of a second-tier European power.

I know, right? SO HOT!

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): A promising job interview goes awry when you are unable to fully articulate the difference between cheese puffs and cheese curls.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): We're as surprised as you are, but the stars say you'd look really great in harem pants. Go for it.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Your lucky volcanic rock: basaltic andesite.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Despair will set in when researchers publish definitive proof that there is no third Deschanel sister.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If Little Roger don't watch hisself, Damon's gonna tell Jodi about Marshall getting Big Roger's dogs fixed, and then all hell's gonna break loose, you wait and see.

LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): A little extra effort pays big dividends this week. Pledge to spend more time posting anonymous racist diatribes on the website of your local newspaper.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): No matter how perfect the idea seems at the bachelor party, do not deliver your best man toast in the persona of any character from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

My friends used to call me Snus Dogg

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Everyone around you loves hearing about how you were into snus before it was cool. Please, tell us more.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You know that weird wart or whatever it is on your shoulder? The one that you think maybe has gotten a little bigger? It's nothing. It's fine. Ignore it. It'll be fine. Seriously. .

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Your lucky umbrella part: the ferrule.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Center your world on healing and wholeness this week by using only locally-sourced gasoline.

WARNING: Ridiculously Specific Horoscopes are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!