Once again, Jason Toon peers through the haze of the miasma of murky obscurity into your very specific future. Hark to his visions of your tomorrow! And your Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday!
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): Make time to reconnect with valuable business contacts whom you have racially insulted.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20): Weigh the benefits of a crossfit program with the drawbacks of turning into someone who won't shut up about their crossfit program.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your lucky synonym for "unease": disquietude.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): A feathered roach clip will play an unexpected role in your life - or your death.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Do not click that link to an old Keebler Tato Skins commercial unless you are prepared to think about nothing else for the rest of the week.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): To make a good first impression, avoid wearing denim with chainmail.
LIBRA (Sep. 23-Oct.22): This week, be wary of so-called folk remedies for schizophrenia.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): On Thursday, Jupiter moves into a rare alignment with both Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds. Do not leave your house.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A treasured family myth will be shattered by a chance encounter with an ornamental cabbage.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your lucky Spanish California mission: San Carlos Borromeo de Carmelo.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This is a felicitous week to steal something from a Virgo.
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): A well-known TV judge will ask you to join his or her ska band.
WARNING: These divinations are presented for serious personal guidance only, NOT for entertainment value! If you are entertained by them, stop it immediately! Do not mock forces you do not understand!