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Sean University: It's gonna be a whole new-niversity in 2013!

by Sean Adams

Unfortunately, we can’t have 2012 extended by a few weeks so that I can implement the stuff I talked about doing at the end of 2011. Still, that’s not going to stop me from making more promises! No way! In business, you have to let your mind move forward even if the world hasn’t caught up to it yet. So, here’s what you can expect in 2013 from the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership:

1. We’ll introduce a new line of textbooks that talk, and I don’t just mean they’ll read what’s in them out loud. No, they’ll ask questions and listen and laugh at your jokes and maybe even fall in love with you.

2. There’re going to be a lot more fireworks around here! Where? When? We’re not telling! Because suspenseful fireworks are the best kind of fireworks!

3. Since schoolwork can be stressful, we’ll be offering monthly de-stressing workshops. And don’t worry: each workshop will be exactly 8 minutes long, so you won’t get TOO far behind, as long as you get RIGHT BACK TO WORK AFTER THE WORKSHOP’S OVER.

4. We will devote an entire course on choosing the right name for your business card. (Sneak preview: it’s one of the ones on letters that you get [but we’re not telling which until the actual course {that’s called “building intrigue”!}]).

5. In 2013, we will hold a seminar in space. All attendees must arrange their own transportation to space.

6. We will be launching a whole new major: haunted hospitality management. Because of all the hospitality management programs there are in this country, zero of them cover the ins and outs of how to run a hotel with ghosts in it.

7. There’s been a big demand for night classes. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to schedule any until 2014. In the meantime, we will offer several “Simulated Night Classes” which are just like normal classes but everyone has to close their eyes so it seems dark.

8. Can you think of anything cooler than a party exclusively for Sean University students, featuring an open bar and a special guest performance by one of today’s hottest bands? We can’t either! But in 2013, we’ll try to!

9. For our really advanced students, we will be adding a new grade that’s higher than an A+. It’ll be called the “A Plush” and if you earn it, I’ll knit you a pillow that’s shaped like an A.

10. We will redefine words as we see fit in order to achieve the goals presented here. For example, if you do score an A Plush and I don’t have time to make a pillow, I might change the definition of pillow from “soft thing for under your head” to “pleasant wink.” This is to teach you a lesson about how to succeed in business: sometimes when you aren’t meeting your goals, you need to lower your goals and claim those were your goals all along!

That’s what we’ve got planned for 2013. What’s your new years resolution?